Sunday, October 30, 2011

Goodbye, 2755

     2755 is the street address of my last residence. Yesterday my mother and I pulled the last of our belongings from the garage and I couldn't help but be overtaken with an unexpected sadness. It occurred to me as I drove away that this place was the home that kept my mom and I connected. We moved there together out of necessity four years ago. It was a second chance for the both of us. I had lost my job and her home had gone into foreclosure. Reluctantly we came across 2755 which we agreed to share. After a year, I ended up moving into the basement apartment of this duplex home, and my mom remained upstairs.

     The refridgerator froze absolutely everything, If left plugged in the oven's alarm would randomly sound loudly (usually in the middle of the night), one whole wall in the hallway was exposed, the toilet didn't always flush, the temperature knobs in the shower were broken, there wasn't a smoke alarm, and i didn't have control of the thermostat. Cold, and dark, and falling apart..I loved my home.

     I feel like I learned so much in that basement. I found myself, I lost myself, I found myself again. I hadn't intended on staying there for the next three years, and in truth I think that most of that time was spent 'hiding' from this life. But I feel fortunate that I had that safe place to hide in. Up until that point I had not had as strong a sense of 'home' since i was 13. Finally at 2755 I gave myself permission to be who I am. And though I may not find myself at that specific address again I will always be thankful for the time that I spent there, and what it represented for me. And just as strong as I whole-heartedly embraced it, I knew it was time for me to come out of the ground; to step out of the period of transition that I was in; to stop hiding and live my life.

     But for now, although I haven't lived with her in more than three years, haven't lived near her in more than three months, and haven't even really seen her in more than three weeks... today is the first day that I really miss my mom.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Give me an "H"...

Hug me. Touch me. Smile at me. Listen to me. Kiss me. Argue with me. Laugh with me. Laugh at me. Let's embrace. Let's connect.

Sitting in front of the computer, reviewing online dating profiles today, I had an interesting realization.... I have not had physical contact with another human being in several weeks. In fact, it's been about a month since I hugged somebody (and it was my mom). Do not fret.. this certainly is not a "whoa is me" blog about how people don't like me, and you should feel sorry for me. Quite to the contrary, this was a very liberating realization. Besides, I'm AWESOME!

What I discovered was that i have created this situation for myself: relying on dating websites to tell me who i might like, who might like me, who lives near me, favorite sexual positions, astrological signs, educational background, dick size, etc... How RIDICULOUS! Who could possible hold up to that much scrutiny. Not me, that's for damn sure. Everyday that I have not met someone online is technically a complete failure; I'm rejected over and over every single day just by not sufficiently attracting an online prospect. Fuck that!

The best thing that I've done for myself all week was delete every online dating profile that I had. Adam4Adam, Plentyoffish,,, some of which have sat as inactive profiles for quite some time, silently rejecting me by simply existing. I might have named my smart phone (Gregory Charles Alexander Stevenson III), but I know that old Greg will never hug me. My computer will never know how funny i am, and these websites will never understand the things in life that truly make me happy. So I am unplugging from them and giving back to myself. The idea is that once i stop "looking for someone" I'm giving myself the opportunity to meet someone. If nothing else then at least not being turned down, and passed up, daily by the guys who view my profile has got to do wonders for my self esteem.

Anyway, I am done with this vent for the moment. I am rooting for myself and hopeful for an affectionate "not too distant" future. If i could leave you with anything it would be to hug someone today. A coworker, friend, loved one, classmate, stranger in the bar... Touch them, and make that momentary connection. You really never know who's life you may be changing: It might be your own.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

If Not Now, Then When?

So I set up this blog a while ago thinking that as I embark on a new adventure in my life it would be a great idea to chronicle my thoughts through this blog. What i have discovered is that if you do not sit me down, put a gun to my head, and force me to take action, then i would definitely prefer to sit on my ass and watch tv. ALWAYS!!!

 Sitting in my home i cannot help but strongly feel that this is the calm before the storm. As a creature of habit i can honestly say that I have no idea what i'm doing. New home, new town, new routine,new school, new roommate, new... well... everything. I'm feeling a little out of my depth.  However, I am doing my best to focus that anxiety to excitement. If changing was easy we wouldn't be here trying. So here I go... it's time to embark... If not now, then when?